Learning to unlearn

I like writing about uplifting, less vulnerable things because it is easier.  But the first few weeks of 2019 has taken me away from the less vulnerable places and brought me to the edges that I talk about so frequently - to those edges that put me face to face with some really touchy and vulnerable parts of me.  So I say, hey, let's do this.  For almost a year now, it has been within my monthly practice to set intentions for the kind of energy I want to receive and give out.  I have always included the word resilience in my list of intentions.  Looking back, I see all my experiences as really bringing me to this wonderful place of strength and resilience.  It felt shitty but in the end, the universe gave me what I asked for.  So here I am beginning the second month of 2019 with some great lessons life has brought me.  Today, it is about self-worth.

Growing up as a child, I have learned so easily that my worth as a person comes from the validation of those around me.  To truly be valued and loved means I have to be for others what they want me to be.  And anything shy of that means I am not good enough, it means I have to go back to the drawing board and try a little bit harder.  As a young woman, I continued with this pattern and it showed up in the work that I do, in every decision I made, and painfully so, in all my relationships. Now that I am well into my adulthood, I realized how much I was still imprisoned by my past conditioning.  Life has opened my eyes to the reality that although contexts have changed, the same grain of need for outward validation is very much alive within me.  I had to stop for a moment and question this belief that keeps me captive to my old patterns. Stopping meant to drop into complete stillness and silence.  What emerged for me is the realization that I don't really need to wait for others to choose me - that I can give myself the permission to choose me.  I learned that by putting myself at the mercy of others' acceptance and validation, I am turning away from who I truly am.  It sounds quite simplistic but the truth is, it is not as easy as it sounds.  Not for me, not for some who resonate with this story.  Although it sucked to feel rejected, it is through the rejection that I heard the loud cry for me to drop inward - in every essence of the word.  It allowed me to connect with the truth of who I am.  And who I am is not defined by what others do or not do, rather, who I am is what lies right at the core of my being, the one who embraces the beauty and vitality of this life... the eyes that see the magic of everyone and everything around her.  

There is so much power in giving ourselves the permission to embrace our wholeness just as we are.  Once we begin to choose ourselves, we will find that the right people come into our lives.  And guess what?, the richness of our experiences will be quite exhilarating.